So I have been wanting to change the name to my blog for awhile, finally decided to call it Mastering Transparency and this is the story behind it. This year has been interesting I never thought I would tell anyone about my struggles with pornography , let alone telling the whole world via internet. It’s been little over 3 months since I made my first post called ‘I was addicted to porn’. I am not going lie this was my worst fear. I remember telling God earlier this year that I will do anything for him but I can’t tell people about my pornography issue. What would people think of me? I am supposed to be some sweet innocent christian girl. I am part of choir, people know I am Christian. I can’t tell people about this deep dark secret I have had for so long. But God wasn’t having it. I keep on having visions of me telling people and it didn’t stop until I opened up.
The past 3 months and a bit have been very interesting. Initially, after my first post I received really positive feedback. People telling me that I am inspiring. But I didn’t really understand why because in my head I was like it’s actually not me, it’s God who kindof forced me to do it (LOL). If I had my own way you guys wouldn’t have known trust me. So I kept asking God why? Why did I have to do this? Why couldn’t you chosen someone or something else. Anyways whilst this continuous mental war was going on in my head people were reaching out to me, especially girls. They opened up to me, told me about their similar struggles with pornography and dealing with abuse. Whilst this was happening I was like to God ….okay I understand that me opening up is helping people but still why me? For awhile simple things like leaving my room to go lecture was struggle. I felt paranoid. I felt like people were looking at me, like that is the girl that was addicted to pornography. I eventually got overwhelmed with my emotions and wanted to delete the blog. But thank God for my good friend Ozzie that spoke to me and encouraged me. So I didn’t but I was still asking God why do I have to do this. It was meant to be secret that I would only tell my future husband …. but God had other plans.
Eventually I received my answer. To have a good relationship with God you need to intimate with him. Something I have been hearing recently. But to be intimate with someone you need to trust the person , you have to become vulnerable and transparent. I was saying I wanted an intimate relationship with God but I wasn’t doing these things especially being transparent. We need to remember that God is not like a person. But I was treating him like no one, scared of being transparent and vulnerable because he might led me down. But the fact of the matter is he isn’t like that people I was scared of. He won’t treat me any different. He doesn’t care about my past. He cares about me being open and honest with him and myself, turning away from my old ways and working for him. To be honest I really wanted to work for God and I wanted to know what I was called to do in his kingdom. But in order for me to work for him. He had to teach me a few things….. to master transparency.
So if someone was to ask me ‘Daniella would you do this again?’ I would say yes hundred times because I understand that I had to do this for my relationship with God .I had to be selfless and not selfish. Put my emotions and pride aside and be obedient and because I done this I am seeing the benefits. My relationship with God is just so beautiful right now and I am helping and encouraging others through this blog . Which I love to do, what else can I ask for. So thank you Lord for telling me to share my story. I eventually saw the light at the end of this dark confusing tunnel. I now understand I shouldn’t doubt you. You know best. Your plans are far more greater than my own plans. So I give myself away so you can use me. Can’t wait for what you have in store for me *praise dances*
Put God’s plans first . He has the best business plan for your life. Lean not on your own understanding but his, and see where he takes you. So just enjoy the ride beautiful people. A wise guy once said when nothing is sure everything is possible