Wow it’s actually the last day of 2016. What a year it has been. This year God was taking me on a journey (as usual)… a journey to freedom. From when I was a little girl I just wanted to be happy, free and loved. The default screw face I had on for so many years was just a cover up. It was a brick wall I built up for so long so no one would know the proper Daniella.
I let a lot of things get to me in life and especially this year. I thought it would be year of ‘greatness’. I would get a first in my degree (lol). I would find a nice bae (lol) and I would start to have relationship with my biological Father (lol). But that wasn’t the case at all. Earlier this year I found out I had a learning difficulty and I let it get to me so bad. I thought I was not smart enough. I doubted everything I thought I was ever good at from singing to dancing to writing …… even reading my bible and praying was a struggle. I was my worse nightmare. I bullied myself. Calling myself stupid, idiot, waste of space, dumb…. basically all the names under the sun. I started to question God and why he made me like this.Why my Dad didn’t want to get to know me even after I tried to speak to him earlier this year. Is there something seriously wrong with me? I always got bad mood swings from when I was young but this time my mood didn’t swing (bars for days lol). I stayed depressed.
It was like I was a dove locked up in cage, slowly dying inside. And because this blog is all about transparency I will say…. the thought of maybe even ending my life come up during the summer.I didn’t see what I was good for. I didn’t get the grade I wanted. I judged myself because I made a few wrong decisions and I let guilt and shame eat me up so bad. I was so so so close to even going back to my old ways of finding comfort in people and things that weren’t good for me.
But I thank God because he is sovereign. I remember one day in church crying and letting it all out. I spoke to a few people. Leaders in church and friends I was accountable to about the way I was feeling and most importantly I prayed about it. God comforted me but also rebuke me with love and told me to do a few things one of them was to get into contact with people I hurt or I felt hurt me. When I done that literally chains of unforgiveness, anger, lies , shame , guilt and rejection started to break of me properly. It’s so weird because I actually felt so good after (it’s mad uno)… I felt free I guess. The happiest I think I have ever felt in my whole entire life. MAD!
Finally, towards the last months of this year the real Daniella was appearing. I felt like I was walking in my purpose. People even said I looked much more happier and they were right I was happy. I made a decision not to let negative emotions get to me as much. Yeah okay I didn’t achieve what I thought I would achieve in 2016 but I am still here. Bigger and better. I learnt to turn my wounds to wisdom .I learnt to smile more.To talk more, open up more (but still guarding my heart) and to take risks more.
I am a QUEEN, BEAUTIFUL, CREATIVE, KIND, LOVING, GIVING , CARING, SUPPORTIVE, TALENTED, LOVED and so much more but last and definitely not least…..I am finally FREE.
I feel like a Dove, finally being set free
No chains holding me
I can truly be me
Who I was always meant to be