It always starts with a thought. The thought ruins everything. I’ve been out. I’ve had a good time. In fact, I’ve had a great time. I’ve been with people I love, we laugh, we bust banter, make new memories share the old ones. Ahhhh fellowship. Everyone loves a lil bit of fellowship. But now. Yes, there’s a but. There was always a but.  But now, I’m on my own and it always starts with a thought.  Sometimes it’s extreme as “why don’t you jump in front of a train” or sometimes it can be subtle and discreet “everyone loves her and I see why. No one will ever love me like that.” It always starts with a thought and that one thought turns into two. Two turns into three. Three turns into an hour of thinking and over thinking. An hour turns into days. Days turn into months and next thing you know it has been years. Year after year. Moment after moment. Trapped in the cycle of self-hate and self-loathing. Toiling the ground of negative thoughts over and over and over and over and over and over again Just to pause for a moment and do it all over again. Diligently tending the garden of “you will always be nothing” pruning the trees of “you’ll never be good enough” and eating the fruit of you “there is no escape you will always be this way.”  This is the lifestyle of self-hate. Entertaining the lies of the enemy (the devil) that send you into the dark downward spiral of despair.

 

The above used to be me. It’s quite figurative but that’s how it was, it was so abstract and surreal but in the same breath it was so real. The hate and contempt I had for myself was so severe that I knew it was there but I didn’t really know I hated myself so severely because it had become my normal. It was normal to see myself as fat even though I was so athletic. It was easy to see myself as average because that was what was expected of me from teachers. Though that was my normal it is not normal to be this way. It’s not right to be entrenched in pain and allowing it to drown you and choke away the real you. The you that God created you to be. He created you to be free from the bondage of self-hate. You don’t need to live a double life. Happy on the outside, slowly dying on the inside. A social butterfly in public full of hatred in private. This is the secret life of pain.

I don’t know about you but it was exhausting. It is not sustainable, the thoughts are always there lurking and waiting to attack you when you thought you were in a “good place”. The secret life is dark with no hope. This secret life only ends in death, emotionally, spiritually even physically. I had listened to the lie that I was nothing not knowing I was somebody to God. That I was created by Him for him (Colossians 1:16) I was forever questioning my existence. Daydreaming about how no one would miss me if I was gone or how I shouldn’t have been born because I was insignificant in the earth. I didn’t believe that I was made in His image and His likeness. (Genesis 1:27). I didn’t believe that I am the apple of God’s eyes (Zechariah 2:8). I believed all the lies from the father of all lies not knowing the author of truth (God) has books written about me in heaven filled amazing stuff about my life(Psalm 139:13-16). I was never an afterthought to God, I was never an accident. I was planned, designed and created and so are you! (Jeremiah 29:11). To be continued…

 

It always starts with a thought…

 

Stay blessed, Anonymous 

 

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